


Fake

by Raicheda



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Air hugs everyone, Allen Walker Needs a Hug, Can i just shake some sense into him?, Cover Art is M Rated, Hurt No Comfort, I need a hug, Insecurity, Lavi being the big brother, you are going to need a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24796795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raicheda/pseuds/Raicheda
Summary: A remake of my previous work on fanfiction.net by the same nameThat allen is the 14th is spread around like wildfire within the order, some people trust in Allen, others though... and throughout this Allen's insecurities grow, and after certain events come to light Link is reassigned to following Allen rather than the occasional observation while he does tasks for Leverrier, luckily he seems to know not to bring specific topics up.Cover art is the reason for the M rating, drawn by me
Kudos: 10





	Fake

**Author's Note:**

> A.N  
> A re-write of my D. Gray man one-shot Fake made on 31st March 2016 and posted only on fanfiction.net.  
> The original writing was made during the early hours of the morning, and due to being so tired and just wanting it over with I didn’t check it properly.  
> But I did ask for Constructive Criticism, something that people find difficult to do, Guest reviewer, simply called ‘Guest’ actually sent me a wonderful review.
> 
> “I like this oneshot and how it builds on the relationship between the order and Allen. To be honest, the only suggestion I have is make your sentences shorter. It helps create a tone that shows pain and weariness, in my experience. Keep writing!”  
> Since that review on April 2nd 2016 I’ve being weighing whether or not I should have a go either with this or something else, and on the 18th June 2020 I finally found an answer.  
> Here’s my next attempt, A rewrite keeping much of the original, changing some aspects, adding a few new bits and attempting to follow the guideline the review gave me. It will be cross posted as a new chapter to the original Fake on fanfiction.net and as a new story on Archive of our own.
> 
> Also Once again a huge Shout out to the other two reviewers, a guest by the name of Woof, and member HelloKittyPower11 thank you for the support you showed the original, not sure if the One-shot will ever become a story, but who knows.  
> And Now Enjoy!

**Fake**

I hide the scars and bruises under layers of cosmetics once more, blending them in the way I've always done.  
It's dangerous to let them be seen, a wound is bad enough.  
Like Wolves scenting blood they are circling me, waiting for a chance to strike me at my weakest. They surround me as if to block any possible escape.

It becomes hard to breathe, the tape they fix to my person is too tight.

They are Central, or the side of them I've come to be intimately acquainted with.  
They’re like vultures to me, their dogs names in this case suits them.  
CROWS  
More bird brained feathers I'd like to ruffle but can't due to my delicate position.  
And the Black Order, this… this was my home, I feel… it won't be soon.

I am neither blind nor deaf like some seem to believe  
I see the glares  
And I hear the whispers  
At first I used to wish they would call me traitor to my face so they can see how deeply their words hurt me  
So that they may know That I am not their enemy.  
Yet.  
Not yet.  
For Now I’m Still me…

Lately though… It usually happens when no one else is around,  
Someone's hands on my back as I’m about to go down stairs  
A sudden leg appearing when I'm in the cafeteria  
Not receiving messages from the finders and some scientists to go help out  
Or go to Komui's office when summoned

I tried to shrug it off, however, this disdain,  
it hurts, it brings back...memories, of before, before Mana  
I don’t… I…It hurts...

Lavi was there when the Catalyst to later events happened he...ah,  
he saw the whole thing...that's…  
It was seemingly just another tripping event in the cafeteria,  
It was nothing new, a rather, Childish method of bullying. It was something I could deal with easily enough  
But Lavi he…  
Someone had slipped something into my food as I regained my footing, and Lavi...  
He saw the whole thing,  
He was so mad, and with everything going on I didn’t…  
He was yelling at them, God, he was so mad,  
But, I understood them. I’ve seen it all before,  
Their reasoning, it’s... they feared me, because I am different.  
It’s nothing new  
Just same dance different people.  
When I tried to explain to Lavi that it was fine, that I could handle myself; He went very quiet.  
The look he gave me before he grabbed me by the wrist and marched us out of the Cafeteria,  
I couldn’t tell what it was.

He got Komui involved and Central had to get involved since I was, now I have one of their dogs following me around rather than just observing.  
It doesn't help.  
I could have told them such a thing would either go two ways, but I knew arguing would be pointless, luckily it went the second route rather than the backlash that would have been the first.

With a new variable introduced, which is Howard Link being by my side they don't have their usual outlet.  
They became quiet, I wouldn’t say that there are no more glares, there are, but they are being much more subtle.  
There are no more attempts at harming me, not with my Guard around, whether Link be for their sake or mine, I’ll let them decide.

The problem with the alternate route is there is next to no communication whatsoever,  
And as terrible as I know it is to say, I wish they would…  
...I don’t know… just… something.  
I feel; like I’m going insane

Only the other exorcists, some finders and scientists, and the cook, Jerry talk to me.  
And one would think that enough, but even my friends have trouble talking to me with my new Companion being constantly around.  
Lenalee isn’t as confident and I am worried about her.  
Kanda seems more Huffy than usual, which is, something, or maybe someone ate his soba, either way I’m avoiding that.  
Miranda seems flighty, then again it’s Miranda  
Timothy keeps impersonating a fish and I can tell he’s unsure what he can say  
Lavi has stopped looking me in the eyes when he talks. I’m not sure how to take that one.

Once upon a time I’d have rejoiced for just having one person to speak with in a positive light, but I have grown spoilt, the sudden silence from the others is deafening and I can no longer help but fear.

And so, I hide the bags and exhaustion under layers of cosmetics once more,  
Blending them in the way that...that I've always done, after all it's dangerous to let them be seen, I am not allowed a moments true rest. And above all, I mustn't show any weaknesses.

I look up at the mirror within the bathroom, A refreshed Allen looks back at me,  
No signs of stress, sleepless nights or the effects my recent lack of appetite have caused.  
But for all the cosmetics I apply... I cannot hide the breaking spirit of my eyes.  
I smile and it looks fake to me,  
Good enough that as long as people don't look too much into me the smile will do it's job.

Bookman could probably tell

...Could Lavi? Is that why?  
Or maybe he saw the evil I apparently am,  
Maybe that look was disgust at having to watch out for his enemy, that I was even talking to him,  
Maybe the others see the same thing and just plaster on their own fake smiles

Placate the enemy, keep it docile, and then stab it in the back when it’s not looking.

I shake my head, feeling somewhat sick with myself, The order is not... That I could think something so horrible about them at all is...  
Maybe I am a monster.

Link waited for me in the bedroom, he doesn't say a word about how I looked before I entered the bathroom till now,  
He seems to realise its not something to speak about, Smart man, I can see why Leverrier chose him. Rather he sends me a curt nod and we leave the safety of the bedroom to head to Komui's office; I have a mission briefing, and naturally Link is going on the mission with me.

Around the corner from Komui's office doors, we almost bump into Lenalee and if not for all three of our quick reflexes the coffee for the rest of the science department would have been wasted.  
A part of me wishes to have let it fall for no other reason than vindictive pleasure,  
I squish it down and bury it deep in my mental graveyard, Not everyone in the science department deserves such a thought,  
No! That is, That’s not...That’s not what I meant… No one deserves...

Lenalee gives me a worried look and asks me if I'm alright;  
How could I be okay? Would she be okay in my place? Would anyone? No I'm not okay!  
I don't know if I'll ever be okay again.  
I want to Scream, and Rage, to feel something give way as I break it, I want them to UNDERSTAND.  
But then there's the Weakness, I’d be letting them all know I’m vulnerable.  
They would tear me apart  
I can't tell anyone this, I can't let them know how much I have fallen. How much they’ve gotten to me and so…  
I smile that fake smile again and tell her I’m fine. It’s then I realize how painfully pale she seems and I ask her if she’s alright.  
I think that may have been the wrong thing to say.  
Lenalee got this annoyed look before covering it with a resigned sigh, said she was fine and carried on her way.  
I'm tempted to look at link, to see what he makes of the whole interaction, but apart of me also don’t want to know, instead I internally square my shoulders and march on into Komui's Office, mentally preparing myself for a day of reassuring smiles and constant are you okay's before I set off for my mission. The only sign link was still following me was the tap of his shoes in sync with my own.

**Author's Note:**

> A.N.  
> Thank you to all who read this, it was actually quite fun trying to remake this, challenging, but fun, and I hope you have enjoyed reading it, do drop me a line letting me know your thoughts.
> 
> To those of you who have read the original, how was this? Was there any changes you liked? Was there something you wished I kept in? Did I manage to present it in the way the review suggested?


End file.
